Check-Ins and Sharing Temptations in Recovery

Brenda writes: “Did you and your husband do check ins? If so, what is shared? My husband and I have been doing FANOS (Feelings, Affirmation, Need, Ownership and Sobriety). I’m finding that when my husband shares temptations he is facing or lusts over women it creates a lot of fear and hurt in me. My guess is because of my betrayal wound but then also because I never knew my husband was doing this for so many years. The reason I still feel the need to continue knowing this information is because I believe if he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing the small things with me, he won’t share the bigger ones. He has withheld so much in the past. Any wisdom, please let me know”

 

Hi Brenda,

 

Thank you for reaching out—your honesty means so much, and I’m grateful you trust me with this. I hear the deep pain and fear in your words, and it’s completely valid. After years of your husband withholding, learning about the temptations and lustful thoughts he is having—even small ones—must feel like a fresh wound, stirring up betrayal trauma and that gut-punch of “how much more is hidden?” The need for transparency makes total sense; it’s your heart’s way of rebuilding safety after your reality was shattered. You’re not overreacting—you’re responding to real hurt, and that takes incredible strength.

 

My husband Jim helps the guys he works with recognize a subtle deception that, when understood, can reframe the struggles all of us face with temptation. It’s based on a truth from Galatians 2:20, which reads: “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.” With this basis, he helps them realize that at salvation, something more than forgiveness happened. Not only did Christ die for our sins, but we died also with Him (as stated in Romans 6:3). It tells us that we were buried with Him and raised to newness of life with Him. This truth flips the script on check-ins. The gospel says your husband (and you) are new creations in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), with a new heart that’s clean and righteous (2 Corinthians 5:21). Those lustful thoughts? They don’t originate from his new heart. They’re what the Bible calls the fiery darts from the enemy (Eph 6:16). Consider what Paul describes in Romans 7:17–20: “I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.” They’re not his “true self” who wishes to do good, yet they are “in” him. They’re like splinters stuck in us. This is the conflict Paul describes between our new spirit and the ‘flesh’—the residual patterns of thinking and habits from our old life—not a war between two competing natures within him. We’re at war with an enemy who shoots arrows of lies and deception to kill and destroy us (John 10:10). God warns us that Satan’s attacks should not surprise us but are to be expected. In 1st Peter 5:8 we read, “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.” Let’s look at a practical example. We know that Jesus was tempted in every way (Hebrews 4:15), yet was without sin. Now, imagine if He shared a check-in with you: “I noticed a woman today and felt temptation.” Would that disappoint you? Would it reflect poorly on Him? No. That’s because you know Jesus’ true identity. The temptation exposes the enemy’s tactics. In a similar way, your husband’s sharing how the enemy brings temptation does not reflect who he is, but rather how the enemy is trying to lead him into sin. The fact that your husband wants to let you know about these temptations reveals that his desire is for truth, not deception. That desire itself is the very evidence of Christ’s righteous life at work in him, proving he is exactly who God says he is

 

Similarly, the enemy will come against you as well. You are not in a “safe” zone. The enemy will tempt with thoughts like “He’ll never change,” or “I’m not enough,” or “I can’t ever feel safe again.” Those aren’t your truth; you’re beloved, secure in Christ (Romans 8:1).

 

Imagine your husband leaving in the morning to go to war’s front line. He returns that evening smelling of smoke, ragged, sharing, “I nearly got hit by a bullet—look at this hole in my shirt” or “I dodged a landmine.” No doubt you’d probably hug him and pray a prayer of thanksgiving for God’s hand of protection on his life—not think, “How long will he keep struggling with these close calls?” Or, imagine if he came home clean and manicured, saying, “I had a peaceful day to day, Honey. No bombs or bullets at all.” you’d probably doubt he was on the front line! I say this because knowing the nature of the enemy and the battle we are in helps us expect attacks and affectively fight back. In this way, Check-ins can unite against this common enemy. If we focus on temptations, wondering when they’ll end, the enemy wins. Our behavior and reactions reveal that we believe “we’re” the problem, instead of seeing the temptations for what they really are. The enemy’s fiery darts shot at us to kill and destroy. The good news is, Scripture reveals that Satan’s bag of tricks is limited: “No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man” (1 Corinthians 10:13). Though Satan grabs from a bag of “common” temptations to use against us, excitingly, God crafts new and perfect weapons specifically tailored for each temptation. As it says in 2 Corinthians 10:4, “The weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strongholds.” This is how you use your weapons. When the enemy whispers the lie, ‘I’ll never feel safe again,’ you can fight back together with the truth: ‘That’s a lie. In Christ, we are secure, and He is restoring all things.’

 

Here’s how he works. First, he shoots a fiery dart of a lustful thought at your husband, then he follows it with a punch of shame: “What kind of Christian are you entertaining a thought like that in your head? Now we know how you are in your heart.” If your husband does not know the truth he’ll no doubt feel shame for being a bad person. His identity has been attacked. This is just the tactic Satan tried on Jesus. He tempted him with, “If you’re the Son of God…” questioning His identity. When we recognize his deception, it breaks the cycle. Our part, instead of reinforcing the enemy’s accusation that your husband’s a sinner at heart, is to come together with him in unity against the common foe, affirming God’s truth: that he’s a child of God, a saint with a new heart that is in perfect accord with God’s heart (Psalm 37:4).

 

My challenge is to rethink check-ins: focus on the enemy’s tactics against both of you. Keep sharing about the actual temptations themselves short and general: “I had a lustful temptation today—let’s pray against the enemy’s lies,” or “I’m feeling unsafe and hopeless about our future. That’s the enemy’s lie—let’s pray together.” Affirm each other: “You’re my beloved, and I’m sorry for the pain. How can I support you?” This shifts from triggering details to solidarity, as saints, not sinners, and united against the enemy. As the Scriptures declare, “our struggle is not against flesh and blood (in other words, it’s not a battle between the two of you), but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this world’s darkness, and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” Eph 6:12.

 

Sometimes a check-in can feel like walking through a mine field. Any misstep and emotions can explode in an instant. Therefore, it is important to remember wisdom from Dr. Jake Porter who says in his “Betrayal Trauma 101,” “The betrayed partner’s brain is in survival mode—the amygdala’s on high alert, the hippocampus scrambling memories.” That means, every memory needs to be re-evaluated. Imagine the brains left hippocampus like a great filing cabinet that stores all of our memories. The betrayal has taken that file cabinet and spilled out all the memories on the floor. The betrayed partner then has to pick each memory up, one at a time, and re-evaluate it. Here’s one – we were at the lake with the children. I wonder what he was doing then? That’s why interruptions during a dialog aren’t attacks; they’re cries for safety. Understanding this caution helps the betrayer empathize with the betrayed partner and make sense of her need to interrupt and seek clarification during a check-in, or why she suddenly becomes aggravated, emotionally speaking. They’re reacting to a limbic brain signal that the past has proven to be a “danger.” When these signals flair, the need for “safety” takes control. That’s why Carol Juergensen Sheets reminds us, “Compassion for the betrayed means holding space for their pain without defense, letting empathy rebuild what betrayal broke.”

 

You’re doing brave work here, Brenda—God sees your heart and is with you (Hebrews 13:5). You’re not alone.